February 08, 2016

Courage To Trust Love Again

During my counseling session, the therapist asked me about my dating life. I looked at her like she stole something. I thought to myself who in they right mind would date a woman with all this I got going on. Being in a relationship is the furthest thing from my mind. It has only been a year and a couple of months since my divorce. I definitely need time to heal and process where my life is going right now. 

To be honest, I had already decided in my mind that I was NEVER going to get married again. So that meant that I was not going to be getting into ANY relationships. Then GOD appeared on the scene one night, during the time I was homeless in my motel room. His presence was so THICK that you could not deny it was Him. I was literally OVERWHELMED with so much peace, love and joy! I was on the phone with a friend and she knew that God was there. 

Then HE spoke to my heart.

He told me that I WILL GET MARRIED AGAIN. 

I almost passed out at this moment. I am thinking to myself, "Am I hearing right?" There was no denying that it was God because the entire room was filled with the very essence of who He is. I had never in my life experienced such an oasis of love. My friend on the phone started to pray and as she is praying she starts to speak what GOD is telling me. By this time, I want to run through the wall because I could barely take what was happening in that moment. I was pacing the room and my kids were staring at me like I have lost it.

The Lord did not stop there. He began to give me a download of the man I would be marrying in the future. This man seemed too GOOD to be true. He was the man I had always prayed for and more. He was absolutely beautiful. I saw his heart and it was so pure. I saw him in a vision in the praying position and the Lord revealed to me that he prays often for his future wife (me). WHAT?!?! Me?! My mind was trying to catch up with all that was being said.

My friend was still on the phone and praying in her heavenly language. We both were in worship mode.  The KING of KINGS was in my room that night and letting his daughter know that the PROMISE is still in EFFECT. I thought because of my wrong decision to marry a man that God did not choose for me caused me to forfeit the promise, but GOD said, "Not So." That ladies and gentleman is what I call GRACE. How can we not worship a GOD who lavishes His love and tender mercies upon us?? It is not over until GOD says it is over! 

Because of who God is and what He has promised me, I have the courage to TRUST love one more time.

February 01, 2016

Single Parenting

Parenting is the most challenging job in the world but yet rewarding. Being a single parent is even more demanding and at times utterly stressful. Single parents barely have time to sit back and enjoy being a parent when the responsibility is solely on you. There are no words to truly describe doing everything alone without the help of the other parent. No one ever says that they want to be a single parent when they grow up because they always envision parenting alongside their spouse. 

Life happens.

Worlds are torn apart and then you have to learn to adjust to this new way of living. As the single parent you have to be strong for both you and your children. You rarely have time to yourself or to grieve the life you once knew. Your main priority is your children well being. There is constant reassuring of the love that you have for them so they will not feel abandoned or neglected. You go above and beyond to make sure their little lives are consumed with happiness so they forget the harsh reality of the divorce.

You are reminded everywhere you go that you are a single parent. When you attend your child's open house and you see both parents in attendance with their children. Even at church you are reminded when you sit behind a family with both parents while you are alone. The worse reminder is when your child gets sick and you have to take them alone to the urgent care in the middle of the night. Your heart sinks every time you are reminded of what use to be. You try to move on from what is no more and try to make the best of your new reality.

There are new fears that you have succumbed to by all the responsibility falling in your lap. The number one concern is being able to have the financial means to provide for your children. Some parents will even take on two to three jobs in order to make ends meet. There is a catch twenty-two to working multiple jobs. You are able to work the hours to bring in a sufficient pay check but yet your children become latch key kids. There is a guilt that is left within you but you sacrifice to have a place of your own and food on the table.

No one understands what it is like to be a single parent unless you are one. Many people have their thoughtful advice on how you should live your life but never offer to lend you a hand like watching the kids for a day. They are on the outside looking in not knowing that you have to do the work of two parents. At times, you want to throw a pity party but you understand that gets you no where. Your pillow catches your tears at night because of the daily struggles you go through but yet you keep it all together for the sake of the children.

January 27, 2016

Dear Single Woman

Dear Single Woman,

You are in one of the GREATEST seasons of your life. Cherish it. Enjoy it. Live it to the fullest. So many women take this season in their life for granted. Being single is not a curse.  There is no need to rush to the altar just because your biological clock is ticking or everyone else is getting hitched. Take your time. God owns it all!

Learn yourself. Learn the areas of your mind, body and soul that need healing. Love yourself. Love who GOD created you be to be. You are an original. You are GOD's masterpiece. You are definitely not a mistake. God knew you before He even knitted you together in your mother's womb. 

You my dear are a GIFT. 

A beautiful treasure that a KING someday will find. Since GOD knows the plans that He has for you then He knows the KING that He has chosen just for you. So set your eyes upon JESUS and not what is happening around you. 

Allow JESUS to transform you into His image. Learn to be a bride of Christ before you are a bride to a man. He will teach you His ways and guide you along the way. You are never alone because God is always with you. The enemy attacks single women with loneliness so that they make decisions out of their flesh. Know the truth. Know who you are and WHOSE you are. 

DON'T ever settle for less than GOD's best for your life. If you need patience then ask the HOLY SPIRIT to teach you how to be patient. Ask for wisdom. You have not because you ask not so ASK! God knows the desires of your heart because He has given them to you. 

Be aware of allowing "getting married" to become an idol of your heart. So many women get so focused on getting married that they loose sight of the things set before them. What has God laid on your heart to do right now??? Your main desire should be to grow deeper into the knowledge of God. If you put God first then everything else will follow according to Gods plan. 

Please, don't  limit yourself in this season. Take GOD out of the box and allow Him to perform the impossible through you. You are destined for so much more. Trust Him. Trust Him with your life. He wants you to come to the end of yourself so that you can began to LIVE in Him. I know it is not easy but who said it would be. That is why Jesus sent us the Holy Spirit to comfort us along the way. 

One day your King will see you afar because of the light of God's glory that is upon you. He will see you wrapped in love and joy that has come from being entangled with GOD. His desire is to only add to what the FATHER has already done. He will be ready. Ready to attach the missing RIB to help him breathe easier the rest of his life. It will be a union that will cause the Heavens to explode with rejoicing so allow God to be the author of your love story. 



January 25, 2016

My Side: The Invisible Wife

Every little girl dreams of what her wedding will be like and hopes it is the fairytale she have always imagined it to be. We become so obsessed with the planning of the wedding and not much preparation into becoming the wife or husband GOD designed us to be. Society's motto is "the bigger the better." We get caught up into this way of thinking and stretch our budget beyond what we intended. Thousands even millions of dollars are spent on one day while we still are in debt after the wedding is over. Yet once the so called wedding of our dreams is over and the ink has dried on the marriage license that is when real life begins. You believe that the fairytale will continue but soon to find out that two becoming one is more challenging than you thought.

Actually, I didn't have the wedding of my dreams. I originally wanted to have a destination wedding but my ex husband wanted to have a wedding here in the states so that all our family members could attend. I agreed. Those wedding planners make everything look so easy on TV so I decided I could do it myself. Boy was that a mistake. I was so stressed out and filled with anxiety. I couldn't wait until the wedding was over even before it began! The day of the wedding everything went smoothly to my surprise and we received so many compliments on the elegance of the wedding. I was ready to be a wife so i thought.

Let's back track a bit before the wedding. While we were dating, my ex husband made me feel like a QUEEN. I was his world. If we were not together then he was at his church. He was a faithful church member. That is what I loved about him. He loved the Lord. Even when I contracted the worst case of flu, he would leave work early to take care of me. He would bring me soup, sing and pray over me. I was in LOVE. We dated for eight months before we decided to jump the broom. I remember asking God many times "Is He The One?" but yet I never received a definite answer. I thought maybe somewhere along the way I missed His answer so I went ahead with saying YES when he asked me to marry him.

Folks say the honeymoon period is suppose to last at least a year. Well, I don't know who told that lie. The honeymoon period in our marriage was short lived when my husband didn't come home one night. WHAT!!! Could this be happening within three months of being married??? Yes it did! I was crushed and terrified. I was thinking the worst. I thought maybe he got into a horrible car crash and died. Immediately, I thought to call the local hospitals to see if they checked him in. Before I could even make the first phone call, I get a call from his cell phone. It is him. He is alive. I am confused. "What is going on", I thought to myself. He tells me that he got drunk and fell asleep at his client's house. I forgot to mention that my ex-husband is a DISC JOCKEY (DJ) and also doesn't drink alcohol. So he was the entertainment for a house party that night and decided to take one drink which caused him to pass out. I was LIVID.

That moment in our marriage was one of many occasions my former husband decided not to come home over the years. I never confided in anyone until the marriage was basically estranged because of the shame and guilt. How do you tell someone that your husband is barely home during the week? He was a workaholic. There are 168 hours in a week and out of that we would get to see him 24 hours during the week. He put the children and I on the back burner when it came to his career. I suggested to him MANY times to allow me to take part in his business but it NEVER happened. He would literally shower, eat, sleep and leave for work. This was our reality. I thought to myself many times "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAN I DATED??" It was as if he was DR.Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Over the years of our marriage he was turning into someone I didn't know at all. 

The friction in our marriage caused me to cling to JESUS like never before. My closet was my first home because that is the place I had many prayers and conversations with GOD. I prayed for my marriage night and day. I didn't want to become apart of the divorce statistics and was willing to continue living in this dysfunctional world. I finally reached out to leaders of our church but that didn't help. It made matters only worse. He didn't appreciate no one knowing our business. We grew so FAR apart. We began to sleep in different bedrooms. This was our new normal but yet my mind, body, spirit, was suffering in unbearable pain.  He rarely told me how beautiful I looked and that crushed my self-esteem to non existent. The moment I realized it was over is when I found out he committed adultery. I could no longer fight for the marriage. I was exhausted. I was depleted.I was lonely and had been the entire marriage. I had lost my identity in the struggle.

Within the depths of my heart,  I knew that I could not continue to be the invisible wife. I mattered. I am not perfect but I matter. The emotional abuse had taken its toll and I had peace walking away from a life that God never intended for me, if only I had the patience to wait for the answer. I remember sitting outside this office building on a bench waiting for a friend and I heard the Lord tell me that the man I married was not the one HE had chosen for me. My tear ducts at this point were running on empty. There was nothing left in me to give. I immediately asked God for FORGIVENESS for not waiting and going ahead of Him. When the divorced was finalized God took the shame away and the healing began. There is so much more to this story but it would take a whole year to tell it all but I share so that other women will not make the same mistake I made.  WAIT   ON GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 23, 2016

Social Media Is The Devil?!?

I knew that title would capture your attention. Is social media the devil? No. Social media is not the devil, but the devil can use it to bring darkness into your life, if you let it. Social media has two sides to it, the light and dark side. The light side of social media is that it creates huge platforms for everyday people to be able to inspire others, share their talents, brings awareness and so forth. But there is a DARK side of social media. That is why we as parents have parental locks on computers bc there is a side of social media we DO NOT want our children to explore. 

Social Media has destroyed 

more relationships than I can 

count on my ten fingers, job loss, 

and yes even caused death. 

We have become CONSUMED with social media. We are a generation that would rather communicate via social media than to hold decent conversations in person, face to face. It saddens me to be at a family movie night and everyone is buried in their phones while the tv is just playing in the background.  I see husbands and wives on date night and one or both are on their phones. Are we loosing touch with reality? Social media can be very ADDICTING and cause us to miss out on our life that is before us.  

And we share TOO MUCH. EVERYONE is NOT our friend. People literally subscribe or friend you just to be NOSY or to leave hateful comments. Now if you are using social media to build your brand then the dark side comes with the territory. You will definitely need to develop some thick skin quickly if you haven't already because social media attracts cowards. People who have too much time on their hands to hide behind a computer and TRY to make others miserable. SO be aware of what you are sharing or posting because it can come back to hunt you. 

I believe social media is the devil's playground. He uses it to destroy marriages, families, friendships, businesses, your image, your self-esteem, etc.......But that is his job. It says it in the bible. Read it. If we would all spend as much time in prayer and studying Gods word as we do on social media then this world would be in great shape. We need to educate ourselves and our children on the dangers of social media so that we wont be playing around in the devil's backyard.

January 12, 2016

Where is Your Faith?

Greetings Butterflies,

I was sitting in church last Sunday and Pastor T asked the congregation this question "Where is your faith?" and I immediately knew this was going to be a sermon I really needed to hear. My faith over the course of the years have been tested constantly but no matter the storm my faith has continued to soar until last year. As you all have read in my last post,  I went through what felt like a tumultuous period in my life. My emotions were very unstable and caused me to sink or almost drown in depression. I was very vulnerable at that point and had let my guards down. I was the go to person for prayer and also known as the PRAYER WARRIOR but could barely muster up a prayer to the Lord. Many of my prayers back in 2015 were "Lord Help Me," or "God, Are You Here?" I realized that I had starved myself of Gods word and didn't have any word in me to sustain me during this dark time. 

Honestly, there were many times I felt that God had left me and I kept questioning myself as to WHY this was all happening. I wandered if I had did anything or opened a door that I shouldn't have that caused all this to come into my life. I have never felt so terrified and alone in my life than I did in 2015. My FAITH was shaken to the core. I started to QUESTION everything including GOD. I believe this is when my FAITH started to wane. I didn't want to go to church or even stream my favorite churches online. I felt as if everyone and everything was all a lie. Boy was I veering off the road and into a dead in so I thought. I remember having a heart to heart with the Lord. And as I lay quietly in my bed one night, He revealed to me that I was ANGRY with Him for allowing things to happen to my children and I that I had constantly prayed against. My heart was crushed, crushed at the fact that I was ANGRY with God who I called FATHER. 

I remember asking GOD to reveal Himself to me because I wanted to know Him truthfully (by way of revelation) for myself and not based on opinions, theology, ideology, or doctrines.  As I began to dive into the word of GOD, I prayed that He would remove any hindrance or veil upon me that would cause me not to see His truth. After praying this prayer, the Holy Spirit began to show me things in His word that I had never seen before only it was always there. I had been spiritually blinded by the enemy. I was in AWE. I was SPEECHLESS. He was not this ANGRY GOD, or taskmaster that was ready to send me to hell as soon as I messed up. He is ABBA, Father who loves me SO much that He sent His son JESUS to die for me so that I could live. Live the ABUNDANT life. I dont have to earn or work for His LOVE because I am already LOVED BY HIM. His desire is to have a relationship with His children but man made rules and regulations get in the way. The only thing that will set us FREE is HIS TRUTH. 

My faith had become so small but Jesus tells us that we only need FAITH THE SIZE OF A MUSTARD SEED and I had just enough to get me through. Even in your most darkest moments God is there no matter if you cant feel Him or hear Him. God will never forget us because that would totally go against His word which says I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU. So my dear butterflies no matter where your FAITH is JESUS will meet you right where you are and build you up in Him as you get to know Him. It is time butterflies for our FAITH to soar like an EAGLE as we TRUST in THE ONE who created us to fly.



January 06, 2016

So Long 2015

I am having a bitter/sweet moment thinking about 2015.  Honestly, there were moments that I didn't think I would make it through the year. I have to admit that it was one of the darkest years or the darkest year of my life. I thought that nothing could get worse than 2014 and boy oh boy did 2015 supersede it. But thinking back on the events that took place before 2015, I believe everything came crashing down upon me. What do I mean? In 2014, we had to move out of our two story home, my children and I were homeless, and my divorced was finalized at the end of that year. So basically in 2014 I was a single mother with children, no job, no money and no permanent place to stay.  We lost almost ALL our things in the different moves we had to make that year. By the time 2015 rolled around that year, the Lord had opened up the RED SEA for us. I was able to finally land a job working in a school district, so therefore we were able to get an apartment. Things started to look up. WRONG! I always put others before my needs and that is just the way I am. But of course my kids needs are first before mine and I just wanted to make sure that they were okay. The transitions that we went through for me were very challenging so I can only imagine how my children were taking in everything we went through. I was constantly making sure they were comfortable every move we had to make. The worst part of it all was knowing that my children had to endure all of this with me. It literally BROKE my heart. I was so concerned about my children that I didn't really deal with what was going on within myself. I pushed everything to the back burner and the fire grew. The fire almost took me out.

Fast forward to the end of spring and beginning of summer 2015 is when I believe hell paid me a visit. All of a sudden I had spiraled in a deep darkness and there was no light to be seen at the end of the tunnel. I had often wondered how did I end up in this space in my life and how do I get out. The things I didn't want to deal with started to deal with me. I am a person that likes to battle with things on my own but this time this sister needed some help. I needed someone to stand with me and help me climb out of this dark pit.  Gods timing is AMAZING. He brought an OLD friend back into my life and she stood with me. She was  my voice when I couldn't utter words to pray, she was my backbone to help me stand when I barely could and she was my feet to help me keep it moving when I couldn't see my way.  She jumped in my life with ease like we never departed. She totally understood where I was and always pointed me to JESUS. She didn't judge me or make me feel worse than I already did. She allowed me to cry, scream, pout or whatever I needed to do to get things off my chest. It was extremely hard at first to accept help because I am usually the one helping others. I was in no position to help anyone at that time and I needed to focus on becoming free from the bondage that entangled me. 

Those low valley moments can really teach you a number of things about yourself. Although I feel like those moments were not even low valley but under the valley for me. I didn't really know how much pain I was in until it started to surface. See by me not dealing with the issues at hand, I had become numb to the pain. So numb that I had to become low so that GOD could get to the bottom of me. Being in one of the lowest points of my life forced me to deal with the issues that had been suppressed. I know God was saying  "IT IS TIME."  Time for what you may say?!?! Time for REAL healing. The healing that goes to the depths of you and pull up the weeds from the root. Going through healing HURTS and is very uncomfortable to say the least. I know this was a coming to JESUS for REAL moment in my life because I was faced with my issues staring me in the face. They have been holding me back for years and it is time for these weights to come off so I can fly. Everyday I had to learn to put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time. The best thing that helped me was GODS WORD! It was as if I had opened the bible for the first time and God was revealing Himself to me all over again. Somewhere along the way, I received some misinformation from some leaders that caused me to view God differently but during this time God showed me His true nature. His nature is LOVE and His love began breaking down the walls and lies I had believed my entire Christian walk. 

So you see I am on the road to restoration and recovery. I have started my counseling therapy and I am not ashamed to admit it. There is freedom in my transparency. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now which gives me so much HOPE. I hate to see 2015 go. WAIT! Scratch that. I am glad to see 2015 go but thank you 2015 for being one of my greatest teachers besides Rabbi Jesus. 

So Long 2015!

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